Bless You!

Sneezing is bullshit.


No, seriously.

Some people think it must be a joy to sneeze all the time, and I am here to tell those people: you are wrong. And for all those juvenile anthropologists-come scientist-come-gullible suckers who are about to jump in and give some smart arse, ill-researched quip about sneezing eight times in a row and its equivalency to, well ... my parents read this blog ... again, you are wrong. WRONG!

Go on! Actually sneeze eight times in a row and you’ll see what I mean. It is actually equivalent to being hit in the nose with a brick! A brick which then splinters into fragments that lodge themselves in your sinuses. Before they explode , like cluster bombs, right at that point where your nose reaches your forehead. ish.

And this is so NOT like the other thing. (And if it is for you, then my condolences. You fucking sadist.)

This week, as Melbourne’s weather decides whether or not to be manic or depressive, I haven’t stopped sneezing. At first, hayfever kicked my arse as spring finally sprung. Sprung like a ninja! I hate Spring. I swear to god, I cannot go outside without sneezing right now. There’s even an area of the yard at work, between the rose bushes and the daisies, where I will sneeze EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Today I walked past there five times in the space of about twenty minutes. That equals roughly 60 sneezes. And one mighty big headache. I once researched it – google doctor – and apparently I have something called ACHOO syndrome. It’s where the sun makes you sneeze. No, I’m deadly serious. I’ve had this belief since I was eight years old - the fact that a doctor who hadn’t even been born when I was eight is now confirming my diagnosis makes it true. It also makes me at LEAST as smart as google doctor. I'm not sure if I should be crowing about that.

It’s confirmation of what I’ve always suspected: I am allergic to being outside. I hate outside! (The symptoms miraculously go away when I am lying down at the beach, lying down in the park ... and that is all. Yard duty outside causes anaphylaxis. And so does exercise!)

And now, as the weather turns nasty, and then humid, and then nasty again, my sinuses have decided they enjoy being clogged up with the green-mucous equivalent of a tampon, and they’re completely blocked. Bring on the spring-time cold – one of the most joyous experiences known to man. And my second of the spring! I’ve obviously been a VERY good girl this year!

Why is it so much worse to have a cold outside of winter? Or is it just me? Doped up on kick arse pseudoephedrine and codeine, am I going to far – like comparing snot to tampons just maybe went too far?

It’s my nose, though. My green snot.

This is my depiction of the monster currently invading my olfactory system. Don't be fooled; he may look harmless, perhaps even slightly like a rather insane pear, but he's not. He's a virus, and you don't want to fuck with a virus - even one that's only been painted.

Apart from that, I don’t even know where the inspiration for this blog post came from – maybe the fact that I sneezed eleven times in a row just before I started. And I’m not exaggerating. There are droplets of sputum everywhere. I think.

What’s sputum?

There's a graveyard of tissues, anyway.
My record for sneezing is thirty six times in a row. That’s more than four bricks. Somehow, Bless You just doesn't cut it when you've just been cluster-bombed by four bricks!
What's your magic number?